"In April 2011, my amazing Rob and I decided to start our family. We cancelled our 'once in a lifetime' trip to Sri Lanka on the assumption that we would be pregnant by then. It seemed like a no-brainer - of course we'd be pregnant by the summer. We were wrong, and we were gutted.
Shortly after this I was offered an amazing career opportunity. It meant we'd have to stop 'trying' (how can one word mean so much?) I decided the career was the right path. It was only then that I realised how much our (yet to be) family mean tto Rob. Seeing how emotional and upset my husband was - it was all I needed. The baby would take priority.
Now I needed to talk. No one has ever talked to me about their experiences of conception, during or after, but I needed to spill my guts and be assured I was doing the right thing. Emma was my girl! She understood, had guessed and said all the right things. I felt better.
By the time the job was due to start I still wasnt pregnant and we quickly calculated that I would have had time to squeeze in one year of teaching in this new role.
No holiday, no amazing job and still no baby. I began to worry.
Energy was plowed into planning our new home - the first we would own together. We demanded to be in by Christmas - we wanted to host! "Our last child free Christmas" we said to each other! "Of course we'd be pregnant soon" - the positive mantra came out again, but I didnt quite believe it.
I returned to work after the Christmas holidaysbut found I couldnt handle it. It was too stressful and it was the bottom of my priorities. Rob sent me to the doctor. I tried my best to explain how I felt about the job, the lack of baby and a new house that I wasnt 100% happy with. The great and understanding doctor gave me some literature, a questionnaire and told me to take some time for myself. Through the information and a further appointment it was decided I had some anxiety issues
- Relax
- Stop worrying about the baby
- Eat well
- Exercise
This was the advice and I needed to find a way to slot it into my life.
I slipped easily back into work and my amazing friends held my hand, but Rob and I needed something new to concentrate on. Pepper was our answer
It seemed so simple
- refocus (stop worrying about the baby)
- exercise the dog (exercise me)
- visit nw places (relax)
We brought her home in February and I felt like a new person. I didnt know how to tell people about anxiety without telling them about our still non-existent baby, so mainly I didnt. But I wanted to tell people how much the simple therapy of owning a pet helped pull me out of my anxious world.
We reached the Year 1 mark and it was the most upset I had been so far. Questioning why was starting to take over our conversations - not ideal for a relationship. I resolved to forget the 'trying' and enjoy my husband. We called it 'stepping up our efforts' and suddenly I remembered how much fun it was a year ago! I relaxed and perhaps that what made the difference because soon it was my birthday and I felt sick and I needed to pee.
We were in Lulworth Cove for my birthday and I was SURE, but I'd been sure before. We spent the day walking the cliff with Pepper and talking like it was a done deal. Rob revealed that my family would be joining us for dinner and it all seemed perfect.
"Peeing on a stick" - what a gift! I remember leaving it in the bathroom of our B+B because I couldnt bear to look at it. Rob went in after me and emerged smiling - unsure but smiling. It was positive and suddenly all the stress of the last 14 month disappeared. There was nothing wrong with us. We had succeeded. Our plan had finally worked out.
We spent the weekend telling our parents and siblings and we could not stop smiling"
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